I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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