How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just high enough for therapy.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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