I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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