wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
