my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
