imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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