Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
