having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
