Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
