I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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