He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
