I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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