Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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