I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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