Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
