I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
