'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
