I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
