literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
