No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
