Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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