In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
