I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
