My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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