I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
