The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
