Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
