You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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