he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
