I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
two words: eviction party
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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