It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
