This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
