every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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