Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize