So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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