If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
