I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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