well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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