Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
