I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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