Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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