i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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