All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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