Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
