FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
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You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
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The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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