yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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