i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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