my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
