I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
