I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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