last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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