i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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