My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
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I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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