Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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