just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize