1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
